So am I single? I have no idea.
Last night, I told the BF I need a break. I do not know if it’s a break up, or just a break. All I know is I need to be comfortable with me, before I am a WE. Or maybe that’s just an excuse. In my attempt to be honest, all I know for sure is how I feel. The rationalizing of the event will come later.
I know this sounds ridiculous. I’ve been with my BF for a year and a half up until last night. He’s been nothing but supportive, encouraging and understanding. I sometimes feel that I should meet him five years from now.
Not to go into the details, I felt a pang of sadness when he, as he always is, was understanding about my decision. He spent the night over, and woke me up to go to work.
While we are still on very good terms, my greatest fear is that he will be my biggest regret. And instead of my usual ranting about my “what-if boys,” he could very well be the one I got, but let go.
Funny enough, I didn’t really tell anyone about my decision. Not my sisters, not my friends or my flatmates. Only one of my friends knows, and she’s a continent away.
But I would be lying if I said there was no sense of relief. I am relieved. I feel like I’m free to do what I want, or pursue what I like. Even though the BF never forced me to do anything or stopped me from doing something.
And while you read this blog, it might seem that what I did was a stupid, rash decision. But what I feel is telling me something else. The anticipation and excitement of being on my own again, making my own decisions, and being pushed out of my comfort zone.
Yet, I know for a fact that it is only because of his understanding and patience that I am able to do what I did. He is still my best and closest friend.
I owe it to myself and to him to be happy. Otherwise, I will regret this. And that’s the most terrifying thing of all.
